METHOD TO MY MADNESS

BEEN A LONG LONG TIME...

HERE I GO AGAIN....

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH VA PHARMACY. I CALLED TO SEE IF MEDS HAVE BEEN RELEASED YET. I WAS TOLD NO  NOT TIL THE 9TH. WELL THATS THURSDAY, AND HUBBY NEEDS THEM ON FRIDAY. THEY WILL NOT GET HERE ON TIME AND I GET TO WORRY ABOUT WITHDRAWLS AGAIN!!!!! THESE PEOPLE ARE SO #$%^&%$%^%&    I AM SO FED UP WITH THE SYSTEM !!!  FEDX DOES NOT DELIVER ON SATURDAY AS WE ARE TOO RURAL. SO THAT MEANS THE MEDS WON'T BE HERE TIL MONDAY !! 2 DAYS LATER THAN WHEN THEY ARE NEEDED.  THESE PEOPLE NEED TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER !! THEY ARE THE ONES WHO PUT HUBBY ON THESE MEDS AND THEY AREN'T RESPONSIABLE ENOUGH TO GET THEM HERE ON TIME. I WISH THEY COULD SIT IN THIS HOUSE WITH THE WORRY I HAVE ABOUT THIS. I AM READY TO FALL APART !!! MY NERVES ARE RACKED AND I AM SO CLOSE TO FLIPPING OUT, IT IS REALLY PITYFUL !!!  I JUST HOPE TO GOD THEY GET HERE ON TIME,  IMMEDIATE DELIVERY  YA KNOW !!! 

WELL ONCE AGAIN I HAVE POURED MY HEART OUT AND I DON'T FEEL ANY BETTER FOR IT.  PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS. I KNOW THE CREATOR HEARS US, AND HE DOES HIS WORK ON HIS OWN TIME. MOMMA ALWAYS SAID  THE CREATOR DON'T PUT MORE ON US THAN WE CAN HANDLE, BUT  ONE MORE STRAW WILL "BREAK THE CAMELS BACK". I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE I CAN DO TO CONVINCE THESE PEOPLE HOW BAD IT COULD BE IF WITHDRAWLS START BEFORE THE MEDS GET HERE.  AGAIN, THANKS FOR LISTENING. WAKAN TANKA KICI UN.   ONA!

YESTERDAY WAS JUST TERRIABLE !!

IT HAS BEEN A BAD FEW DAYS, AND YESTERDAY ALL I COULD WAS CRY EVERY TIME I HAD ANY TIME TO MYSELF. YOU SEE, SIS CAME TO TAKE ME SHOPPING ON SATURDAY AND I ASKED MY SON TO SIT WITH HIS DAD FOR A COUPLE HOURS. WELL I CALLED TO CHECK ON HUBBY AND MY SON WAS THERE SO I FELT OK TO CONTINUE SHOPPING. WELL ABOUT AN HOUR LATER I CALLED TO CHECK IN AND WAS INFORMED THAT MY SON WAS LEAVING. SO I CALLED EVERY 15 MINUTES OR SO TO CHECK ON HUBBY. HE WAS IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN, BUT SAID TAKE MY TIME. THERE WAS NO WAY, I NEEDED TO GET HOME. I WAS SO ANGRY WITH MY SON TO SAY THE LEAST.  I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THE STRESS FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE. AND I CAN'T DEPEND ON MY SON TO STAY FOR JUST A COUPLE HOURS ? HE HAD NOTHING TO DO, NO DEMANDS OF ANY KIND. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.  I WATCH HIS KIDS (GRANTED THEY ARE MY GRANDKIDS) AND HE SAYS HE'LL BE GONE FOR JUST A COUPLE HOURS, AND ACTUALLY BE GONE 4-5 HRS. I HURT ALL THE TIME AND I AM VERY TIRED FROM TAKING CARE OF MY HUBBY. BUT I NEVER TELL HIM NO . WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO CONVINCE HIM THAT I NEED A COUPLE HRS OR SO JUST FOR MY SANITY !?!?!? I AM IN THE HOUSE 24/7 AND IF I DON'T GET A BREAK SOON, I'M GOING TO BREAK DOWN !! I HAVE CRIED IT SEEMS ALL DAY AND I STILL HOLD IT ALL IN. HE HAS NO IDEA HOW MUCH HE HAS HURT MY FEELINGS. I LOVE MY SON WITH ALL MY HEART AND EVEN AFTER THIS, I WILL NOT DENY HIM ANY THING. BUT WHY CAN'T HE SEE THAT I AM AT A BREAKING POINT ?!?!?

I ALSO ORDERED HUBBYS MEDS LAST WEEK, LETS SEE IF THEY GET HERE ON TIME THIS MONTH. I TOTALLY AVOIDED THE HEAD NURSE AND CALLED THE DR RIGHT TO HIS DESK LINE. HE SAID THE SCRIPT WILL BE DELIVERED TO PHARMACY WITHIN 15 MINUTES OF MY CALL. LETS SEE IF THE DR CAN GET IT DONE ON TIME....

THANKS FOR THE SPACE FOR ME TO RANT AND RAVE. IT HELPS ALOT MORE THAN YOU THINK, JUST GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST.HELPS ALOT.

WAKAN TANKA KICI UN  ONA

WHEN YOU ARE DOWN TO NOTHING, GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING....

She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the
operating room. She said: "How is my little boy ? Is he going to
be all right ? When can I see him ?"

The surgeon said, "I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy
didn't make it."

Sally said, "Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God

care
any more ? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?"

The surgeon asked, "Would you like some time alone with your

son ?
One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's
transported to the university."

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye

to
son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly
hair. "Would you like a lock of his hair ?" the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in
a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, "It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the
University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. "I said
no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die.
Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with

his
Mom." She went on, "My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always

thinking
of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could."

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time,
after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag
with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the

empty
house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with

the
lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things

back in
his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down
across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on

the
bed was a folded letter. The letter said :

"Dear Mom, I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I
will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not

around
to say "I Love You" . I will always love you, Mom, even more with
each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if

you
want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay
with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if
you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the
same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff
girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really
is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got

here
and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see
everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly.
And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures.
Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to
see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and
talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told

Him
that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and
everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you

know
what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen

to
write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel

who
is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give
you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where

was He
when I needed him ?' "God said He was in the same place with me, as
when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He
always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else
can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just
a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His
pen back now. He needs it to write some more names in the Book

of
Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm
sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The

cancer
is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore
and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's

when
He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a
Special Delivery ! How about that ?

Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.

PRAYERS NEEDED...

MY HUBBY FELL TODAY WHILE GETTING INTO BED. GRANTED IT WAS NOT A HARD FALL BUT JUST BEING DOWN IS EXCRUSIATING (SPELLING, PLEASE USE PHONICS) PAIN FOR HIM. AND WHEN HE FELL I WAS HOLDING ON TO HIM AND HE PULLED ME DOWN TOO. NEEDLESS TO SAY, I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE VERY BAD BACK PROBLEMS AND IT IS VERY VERY HARD FOR ME TO DO THE LIFTING HE REQUIRES. I CAN'T STOP CRYING, I HURT SO BAD, AND I CAN'T JUST GIVE UP. HE RELYS ON ME TOO MUCH FOR EVERY THING. I HAVE TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER, BEFORE HE WAKES UP AND SEES ME BAWLING LIKE A BABY. HE KNOWS HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME AND IT DEPRESSES HIM SO MUCH. SO TONIGHT WHEN YOU SAY YOUR PRAYERS TO THE CREATOR, INCLUDE US IN THEM PLEASE. WADO (THANKS) WAKAN TANKA KICI UN.

NOT SUCH A GOOD DAY

I GOT OUT OF BED AND THE MINUTE I STOOD UP MY BACK STARTED SCREAMING AT ME. I HURT LIKE A DOG !!!  YESTERDAY WAS A BUSY AND HARD DAY. HUBBY AND I WENT TO OUR GRANDDAUGHTER'S PUMPKIN FEST. AND IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE  BATH DAY FOR HUBBY AND THAT ALONE HURTS ME. GETTING HIM IN THE TUB. IT  IS GETTING HARDER AND HARDER ON ME. AND THEN GETTING HIM IN THE VAN IS ANOTHER CHORE.  BY THE TIME WE GOT BACK, I WAS IN ALOT OF PAIN. AND THEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR..... THE MUTLYS GOT INTO THE GARBAGE AND HAD IT ALL OVER THE LIVINGROOM FLOOR- COFFEE GROUNDS AND ALL !!! FROM ONE END TO THE OTHER, ON THE COUCHES AND IN MY COMP CHAIR. I COULD HAVE KILLED THEM I SWEAR !!  THEY HAD A FIELD DAY IN JUST THE 2 HRS WE WAS GONE.  SO NOW I HAVE TO VACUMN, LIKE I NEED TO DO THE EXTRA WORK NOW.  THEN THIS MORNING, ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN, I SLIP IN DOG PEE !!! I HAVE THEM PAPER TRAINED AND THERE IS NO REASON TO PEE IN MY KITCHEN !! NOW I HAVE TO MOP THE DAMN FLOOR!!! I AM SO CLOSE TO WHIPPING DOG BUTT IT IS REALLY PITYFUL!!

I AM SO STRESSED OUT AND NO WHERE TO ESCAPE. I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS.  I WANT TO JUST SIT AND BAWL MY HEAD OFF BUT CAN'T DO THAT EITHER. IT UPSETS HUBBY SO MUCH WHEN HE SEES ME CRY. AND IT DOESN'T DO GOOD FOR HIS DEPRESSION. SO WHAT CAN I DO ???  I NEED A VACATION,  ALONE !!!  JUST TIME FOR ME. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHEN THAT WILL HAPPEN.  I NEED TO GO TO CEREMONY, BUT OKLAHOMA IS OUT,  TOO MUCH WEATHER GOING ON BETWEEN HERE AND THERE AND IT IS A HARD TRIP LET ALONE BATTLEING THE ELEMENTS TOO. I NEED TO RUN AWAY  I SWEAR !!!  PLEASE, KEEP ME IN YOUR PRAYERS. I NEED THE STRENGTH TO TAKE CARE OF MY HUBBY AND HELP WITH MY MENTAL STABILITY.AND THE PAIN I AM GOING THRU.  THANKS FOR LISTENING   I LOVE MY BLOG BUDDIES.   ONA  WANKA TANKA KICI UN

MOTHER EARTH AND LITTER....

WELL,  GLORIA GOT ME GOING ON A PASSION OF MINE. SINCE I WAS A CHILD MY FATHER WAS A CLEAN FREAK WHEN OUT DOORS. WE WOULD GO TO THE SIERRIA NEVADA MOUNTIANS EVERY WEEKEND, WHERE HE OWNED OUR OWN CAMPSITE. HALF OF MY LIFE WAS CITY THE OTHER WAS MOUNTIANS. WELL EVERY SATURDAY MORNING AFTER BREAKFAST WE WOULD "POLICE" THE AREAS OF OUR CAMP. EVERY PIECE OF PAPER, GARBAGE, WHAT EVER WAS NOT SUPOSE TO BE THERE (DONE BY MAN OR BY ANIMALS RAIDING TRASH CANS) WAS PICKED UP AND PUT INTO GROCERY BAGS. THIS WOULD TAKE AN HOUR OR SO  AND THE WHOLE TIME MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND I WOULD WHINE AND BITCH CUZ WE WANTED TO GO AND SEE FRIENDS. BY THE TIME I WAS 16, I NEVER HAD TO BE REMINDED TO DO MY PART.

TODAY I HAVE INSTILLED THESE SAME PATTERNS WITH MY KID AND MY GRANDKIDS. THE OLDEST OF THE GRANDKIDS WILL TELL YOU IF YOU THROW PAPER DOWN THAT" THE TRASH CAN IS OVER THERE" AND HEAVEN FORBID SHOULD HE SEE YOU THROW A CIGARETTE BUTT ON THE GROUND. HIS REPLY TO THAT "WOULD YOU PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT ON YOUR MOMS FORHEAD ? THEN DON'T DO IT TO MOTHER EARTH " WE HARDLY EVER SEE A BUTT ON OUR PROPERTY. DID YOU KNOW A DIAPER WILL BIODISINAGRATE  AND A CIGARETTE FILTER WON'T ? AND THE POISON IN IT FROM THE NICOTINE WILL LITERALLY KILL A GARDEN ?

IF EVERYONE WOULD JUST STOP THROWING STUFF OUT OF THEIR CARS, THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH CLEANER PLACE.  AND IF CIGARETTES WAS PUT OUT IN AN ASHTRAY INSTEAD OF BEING FLIPPED OUT A WINDOW, THERE MIGHT NOT BE SO MANT FIRES. .OK I JUST WANTED TO PREACH (I GUESS YOU COULD SAY) ON A SUBJECT NEAR AND DEAR TO MY HEART. IF WE ALL WOULD DO "JUST A LITTLE BIT" AS GLORIA SAID, WE WOULD HAVE A MUCH HEALTHIER MOTHER EARTH AND ALSO A CLEANER ONE TO PASS DOWN TO OUR GENERATIONS AFTER US.

THANKS FOR LISTENING. ONA  WANKA TANKA KICI UN

NOW WHAT DO I DO.....

MY HUBBY HAS BEEN HAVING PROBS WITH A NEW MED THE PSYC DR ORDERED. WHEN HE FIRST STARTED ON IT,  IT WAS KNOCKING HIM OUT 24 HRS A DAY. SO I ADJUSTED IT AND GAVE HIM 1/2 THE SCRIPT. I DID THAT FOR 2 WEEKS  THINKING HE NEEDED TO GET A TOLERENCE BUILT UP TO IT.  WELL I GAVE HIM THE OTHER HALF, AND FOR A FEW DAYS HE WAS DOING OK.  THEN WE WENT TO THE PUMPKIN FESTIVAL, ALL OF 4 HRS WE WAS GONE.  HE SLEPT FOR THE NEXT 3 DAYS.  IS IT POSSIABLE THAT HIS PAIN LEVELS  MIXED WITH THE PSYC DRUG IS DOING THIS ????  I WANTED TO CUT THE SCRIPT AGAIN BUT HE WON'T LET ME. AND HE WON'T LET ME CALL THE DR TO CHANGE IT. HE SAYS HE'S TIRED OF THEM MESSING WITH SO MANY DRUGS, AND HE'S THE ONE TO SUFFER FOR IT.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.... I AM TIRED OF SEEING HIM IN THIS DRUG INDUCED STATE. HE IS OUT OF BED FOR AN HOUR AND HE IS SLEEPING IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER. THEN IT TAKES ANOTHER HOUR TO CONVINCE HIM TO GET BACK IN BED. WHEN HE FINALLY AGREES, HE SLEEPS FOR 4-6 HRS. AND HOPEFULLY HE IS AWAKE ENOUGH TO EAT. HE WORE A BOWL OF CEREAL, 3 CUPS OF COFFEE AND A COUPLE SODAS, ALL IN 3 DAYS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO !!!!!

THEN SIS CALLS. HER EX IS KICKING HER OUT. THEY HAVE LIVED TOGETHER  AS FRIENDS  BECAUSE OF THEIR SON.  WELL RECENTLY SHE FOUND OUT THAT THE EX IS "BEING" WITH OTHER MEN.... AND SHE CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT.  THAT OPENED A BOX SHE DIDN'T WANT TO SEE. THE MORE SHE INVESTIGATED, THE MORE CRAP SHE FOUND. AND LAST NIGHT IT ALL CAME TO A HEAD.  HE TOLD HER TO GET OUT. SHE CALLED IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FIGHT AND HE IS BEING SUCH A A#$HOLE. HE DIDN'T KNOW THAT I KNEW WHAT HE IS DOING. WELL I WAS TOLD OFF.  ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS HE SAID. WELL  YES IT IS AND AS LONG AS SIS NEEDS ME    FOR WHATEVER    I WILL BE RIGHT THERE FOR HER. SHE REFUSES TO LEAVE, SHE CANNOT WORK, SO SHE CANNOT PROVIDE FOR HERSELF. I TRIED TO GET HER TO COME HERE,  SHE SAYS SHE WON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION. I AM WORRIED SHE WILL GET SICK OVER ALL THIS STRESS. I TOLD HER TO COME HERE TO JUST GET AWAY FROM THE STRESS LEVELS (WE LIVE IN THE COUNTRY AND SHE HAS ALWAYS CONSIDERED OUR PLACE A SAFE HOUSE FOR HER) I HOPE AND PRAY SHE COMES TODAY. SHE NEEDS THE QUIET TIME.

OK I THINK I HAVE GOT IT ALL OFF MY CHEST. I HOPE I CAN HAVE A LITTLE TIME FOR QUIET TIME FOR ME, I REALLY DO NEED IT.  I WISH I COULD GO TO CEREMONY, BUT WE STILL HAVEN'T HAD NO WORD WHEN THE NEXT ONE IS.  MIGHT HAVE TO GO TO OKLAHOMA FOR ONE. THATS OK THO  THAT ONE IS HELD ON THE RESERVATION. AND IT IS SO MUCH MORE TO TRADITION, THE WAYS THAT HAS NEVER FAULTERED. THERE ISN'T ALOT OF DIFFERENCE IN THEM  JUST MORE TO THE OLD WAYS.   YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD DAY  AND IF YOU ALL PRAY, PLEASE INCLUDE MY HUBBY IN THEM. AND MY SIS.   ONA WANKA TANKA KICI UN

TO ALL WHO WAS OFFENDED....

I NEVER MEANT TO COME ACROSS AS BEING DOWN ON OTHER RACES. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT IS NOTHING LIKE HOW I AM. THE CREATOR CREATED US ALL EQUALLY, IT IS ON US TO DO THE BEST WITH WHAT HE GAVE US. THERE ARE JUST SO MANY THAT DO NOT KNOW THE REAL WAYS, THE TEACHINGS WE ALL WERE RAISED WITH. I CANNOT HELP THE WAYS I FEEL REGARDING THE HISTORY OF THOSE WHO DID SO WRONG AGAINST US. AND WHEN I STARTED READING OUR DOCUMENTS, AND THE WRITTEN HISTORY, AS PRIMITATIVE AS IT IS, MY PEOPLE SUFFERED A GREAT DEAL BY THE HANDS OF PEOPLE WHO WANTED  THE LANDS.
ANYWAY I HOPE I CLEARED UP WHAT I WAS TRYING TO EXPRESS. (DID YOU TAKE THAT ME TYPING IN CAPS, I WAS YELLING ? NOOOO  I WRITE IN CAPS SO I CAN SEE THE TYPE. ;-) ALOT OF THINGS ARE CHANGING NOW I HIT 50) IT JUST HAPPENED TO BE A DAY THAT SLOWED DOWN THE PROCESS OF THE EMERGENCY SITUATION I WAS IN.  APOLOGIES TO ALL WHO WAS OFFENDED.      AHO  WAKAN TANKA KICI UN

THANK YOU VERY MUCH...

ITS GOOD TO KNOW THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE THAT TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS. I WAS SO UPSET BEING TOLD "LEAVE THE COUNTRY" I WAS DUMBFOUNDED. I HAVE TRACED MY FAMILY TREE SO FAR BACK, AND MY PEOPLE WALKED THE TRAIL OF TEARS. I HAVE GONE TO MARIETTA GEORGIA AND ACTUALLY COLLECTED DIRT FROM THE TRAIL TO BRING TO CEREMONY. AND IT WAS AS IF I HAD BROUGHT A GOLD BAR. WE APPRECIATE MOTHER EARTH AND A GIFT AS IMPORTANT AS THAT WAS SO AWSOME TO GIVE.

  ITS GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND HERE  WADO TO YOU ANDEE DAWN.  WANKA TANKA KICI UN (MY THE GREAT SPIRIT BLESS YOU)   ONA

REPLY TO WHAT !!!!

OK  LETS GET ME FIRED UP AGAIN....

MY ANSESTERS WERE THE "FIRST" AMERICANS. AND IF YOU WANT MORE INFO ON NATIVE AMERICAN HISTORY, THEN I ADVISE YOU TO INVESTIGATE NATIVE SITES.  YOU DEFINATLY NEED TO BE EDUCATED WITHOUT THE WHITE MAN WAYS. COLUMBUS WAS LOOKING FOR INDIA  THATS WHY WE WERE TAGGED AS INDIANS. WE ARE  NATIVE AMERICANS. IF ANYONE SHOULD LEAVE, ITS THE IGNORANT PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO OPEN THEIR MINDS TO OTHER CULTURES THAT ARE AROUND THEM. AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE EDUCATION TO BACK YOU, THEN KEEP QUIET. AS A. LINCOLN SAID , "ITS BETTER TO BE THOUGHT A FOOL, THEN TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND REMOVE ALL DOUBT"

ONA  WANKA TANKA KICI UN

SOOO PISSED OFF !!!

THE MEDS STILL AREN'T HERE !!!!  I KNOW MONDAY WAS  "STUPID'S DAY" (I WILL EXPLAIN THIS IN A MIN.) SO I GAVE THE VA 1 MORE DAY. YESTERDAY CAME AND WENT, AND STILL NO MEDS !!! HUBBY WOULDN'T LET ME CALL, HE'S AFRAID I'LL STIR UP TOO MUCH POOPOO. WELL THIS MORNING I CALLED !! FIRST TO THE PHARMACY TO ASK WHEN THE SCRIPT LEFT THERE. I WAS INFORMED THEY HAD NO RECORD OF THE REQUEST FOR REFILL!!!! I WENT OFF, TO SAY THE LEAST ! SO I CALLED THE HEAD NURSE AND SHE "DON'T KNOW WHY IT DIDN'T GO THRU. LET ME CHECK ON IT". SHE CALLED BACK AND SAID IT IS REQUESTED NOW. I CALLED BACK TO INFORM THEM THESE ARE NEEDED TODAY, NOT TOMORROW.  TODAY!!!  SHE WILL CALL PHARMACY TO TELL THEM. THE DR'S SECRATERY CALLED BACK AND SAID IT WILL BE PICKED UP TODAY AND WILL BE HERE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. I TOLD HER FEDX DOESN'T GET OUT HERE TIL AFTER 4 PM. WE NEED THESE NOW! (I AM DOING ALL I CAN NOT TO SCREAM AT ANY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE!!!) IF HUBBY GOES INTO WITHDRAWLS  WE HAVE A 2 HR TRIP TO THE CITY. THIS IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN !!! SHE WILL CALL BACK. FINALLY  THE ORDER IS IN THAT THE SCRIPT WILL BE HERE TODAY. SO WHAT IF THE GOV. HAS TO PAY FOR RUSH DELIVERY !!! ITS THEIR FAULT IT IS IN THIS SITUATION. THE DAMN THING SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE A WEEK AGO !!! I CALLED THE FIRST TIME 2 WEEKS AGO TODAY !!! I AM SO PISSED OFF THAT I AM SHAKING LIKE CRAZY. EVEN NOW, KNOWING IT IS ON THE WAY, I CAN'T CALM DOWN. I PROBABLY WON'T TIL IT GETS HERE ! 

THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT. IT HELPS SO MUCH JUST WRITING IT ALL OUT AND GETTING IT OFF MY CHEST. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A MUCH BETTER DAY THAN I HAVE HAD. 

PS.  "STUPID DAY" IS WHAT I CALL COLUMBUS DAY. ACTUALLY.... THE NATIVE AMERICANS FOUND COLUMBUS LOST AT SEA. ;-)  HE THOUGHT HE WAS IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT COUNTRY !!  MY SON HAD PROBS IN AMERICAN HISTORY DUE TO THE FACT THE INFO IN HISTORY BOOKS WE ALL HAVE GROWN UP WITH ONLY TELLS THE WHITE MANS VERSION OF NATIVE HISTORY. AND BELIEVE ME... THEY ARE WAY OFF ON ALOT OF SUBJECTS.  OK  I'M GOING TO SHOWER AND MAYBE THAT WILL HELP WITH THE NERVES GOING ON.  ONA!  WANKA TANKA KICI UN

WHAT DO I DO NOW...

I CALLED IN ALL MY HUBBYS PERSCRIPTIONS THIS PAST WEEK. ONE, THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, HASN'T GOT HERE YET. SO I CALLED THE DR AND ASKED IF HE GOT THE REQUEST FROM THE HEAD NURSE. HE LOOKED AND SAID NO. HE DID THE REFILL RIGHT THEN AND PUT IMMEDIATE DELIVERY. WELL THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE FAST ENOUGH!! HE NEEDS IT BY MONDAY MORNING AT 9. THE DELIVERY WON'T BE HERE BEFORE 2 PM. SO.... I HAVE TO WORRY ALL WEEKEND ABOUT THE WITHDRAWLS HE COULD GO THRU ON MONDAY MORNING. I SWEAR  THE VA PHARMACY IS SO MESSED UP. AND SO IS THE HEAD NURSE. I HOPE THE DR CHEWED HER BUTT ONE WAY TO THE MOON !!! I AM SO FED UP WITH THEIR ORDERS AND WHEN HE NEEDS HIS REFILLS ITS LIKE WE ARE INCONVIENCING THEM.  IF HUBBY STARTS WITH DRAWLS I AM GOING INTO THAT NURSES OFFICE AND I WILL GIVE HER A PIECE OF MY MIND. HE HAS BEEN ON THIS MED FOR 2 YEARS AND EVERY MONTH I GO THRU THIS...WONDERING AND PRAYING THE MEDS GET HERE ON TIME. BELIEVE ME,  WITHDRAWLS ARE NOT A PRETTY SITE !! AND THE LONGER IT GOES ON THE WORSE IT GETS.  I AM AT MY NERVES END. I AM TIRED AND SORE AND VERY DISGUSTED WITH THE VA AND ALL IT PUTS ME THRU. OK  IT HELPED A BIT GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST. I CAN'T RANT AND RAVE HERE AS IT UPSETS HUBBY SO MUCH. THANKS FOR LISTENING.     AHO       WANKA TANKA KICI UN

WE SEEN THE NEURO SURGEON TODAY....

AND WHAT HE SAID WAS NOT WHAT WE WAS READY TO HEAR. IT IS POSSIABLE THERE IS SPINAL CORD DAMAGE.WE WILL FIND OUT MORE WHEN THE MRI IS ORDERED. THAT APPT COULD TAKE 3 MONTHS BEFORE AN OPENING. NOW I AM SCARED TO DEATH TO EVEN HELP BILL GET OUT OF BED. WE (MY SON, BJ AND I) HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME GETTING BILL INTO THE VAN, BUT THIS TIME WE ALMOST DROPPED HIM !!!ALL I COULD THINK WAS DON'T LET HIM HIT THE SIDEWALK. HIS BACK COULD REALLY USE THAT !!! WE HAD A NEAR CALL BUT WE MANAGED. NOW MY BACK IS KILLING ME !!  I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN DO OF THE LIFTING  MY BACK HAS BEEN IN BAD SHAPE SINCE SURGERY IN 1972. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO WORK FOR MORE THAN 10 YRS NOW. (I JUST TURNED 50 A MONTH OR SO AGO AND I FEEL LIKE 80). I AM MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MY SWEETIE RIGHT NOW, AND WHAT THE NEXT STEP WILL BE. HE STOOD BY ME THRU ALOT OF CANCER SURGERIES AND EVEN LOST A GOOD JOB OVER IT.(HE WAS ALLOWED SO MUCH TIME AND HE STAYED HOME AND TOOK CARE OF ME LONGER THAN ALLOWED. AFTER 3 SURGERIES, IN A YEAR, I COULD BARELY MOVE FOR 6 MONTHS . HE WENT SO FAR AS TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE SOFA SO HE WOULD FEEL ME MOVE TO GET UP TO POTTY. ) THATS LOVE IF ANY OF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TRUE LOVE IS.... AND WE'VE BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE I WAS 15 AND HE WAS 18.   32 YEARS AND STILL IN LOVE LIKE IT WAS OUR WEDDING DAY....SOOO SWEET !!!  I WILL DO AS MUCH AS I CAN FOR HIM FOR AS LONG AS I CAN. I JUST PRAY THE MRI DOES NOT SHOW WHAT THE DR SUSPECTS. WILL YOU ALL SAY A PRAYER FOR HIM TOO ?? 

OK I'M GOING. ITS TIME TO START MEDS AND FEED THE CRITTERS. (I HAVE 3- SHATAY, YATAHAY, AND SHALA WASTE(WASH TAY). AND THEY ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY TELLING ME ITS PAST TIME !!!)  I WILL TRY TO COME BACK OFTEN, IF AND WHEN I GET A CHANCE.

AHO MITAKUYE OYSIN      WAKAN TANKA KICI UN

MY TOTEM POLE

THIS IS MY "IVIE TRIBE"   HOPEFULLY IN YEARS TO COME, THE TOTEM WILL STAND UP STRAIGHT. BUT RIGHT NOW, THIS IS AS STRAIGHT AS IT GETS. KIDS JUST CAN'T STAY STILL FOR MORE THAN A SECOND OR TWO. AND IT TOOK A " FEW"  SECONDS TO GET IT PUT TOGETHER.;-D TO TELL THE TRUTH IT COLLAPSED INTO A WRESTLING MATCH. THEY HAVE ALOT OF FUN WITH THEIR DADDY.

THE ORDER OF THE ANIMALS TO THE TOTEM, BY THEIR NATIVE NAMES, IS  TOP TO BOTTOM,  THE HAWK, TURTLE, EAGLE,  BEAR  AND LITTLE BABY. (SHE IS MY DRAMA QUEEN!! AND I CAN'T COME UP WITH A FEMALE NAME FOR HER JUST YET.SO RIGHT NOW, HER NAME EQUALS CRY BABY;)  SHE NEVER STOPPED CRYING WHEN SHE WAS A BABY)

DO YOU SMELL THAT ?

THIS IS WHERE I GOT THE SIGNATURE I USE THE MOST.

DO YOU SMELL THAT?

  At the end of this story, it gives you two options.

  I think you will figure out what option I chose.

 A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas  as
the doctor walked into the small hospital room of  Diana Blessing.
She was still groggy from surgery.

Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves for
the latest news.

 That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced 
Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency  Cesarean to
deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.

At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces,  they
already knew she was perilously premature.
 Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.

"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could.

"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the 
night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her
future could be a very cruel one."

Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor
described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she
survived.
 She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably
be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic
conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and
on and on.
"No! No!" was all Diana could say.

 She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long
dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of
four. Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away.

But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and
Diana.

 Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially
'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only    intensified her
discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl
against their chests to offer the strength of their love. All they
could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in
the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay
close to their precious little girl.

There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.
 But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight
here and an ounce of strength there.
 At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were able
to hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months
later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her
chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life,
were next to zero, Dana went home    from the hospital, just as her
mother had predicted.
  Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl
with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She
showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment.
Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that
happy ending is far from the end of her story.
One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in
Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the
bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball
team was practicing.

As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and
several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent. 
Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked,  "Do you
smell that?"
 Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm,
Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."

 Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"

Once again, her mother replied,   "Yes, I think we're about to
get wet. It smells like rain."

Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin
shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,    "No, it
smells like Him.

 It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."

Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.

 Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana
and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at
least in their hearts, all along.

  During those long days and nights of her first two months of her
life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God
was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she
remembers so well.

ME AND ALL MY BABIES

STILL IN LOVE LIKE WE WAS 18