In My Opinion...

What Happened to Me?

It seems like it started during the time my mom told me she had stage four cancer. (she is alive and well and recovered according to her doctor - Praise God!)  During that same time, well a couple months later - my husband was told his job was being dissolved in the company and he needed to find something else in thirty days or he would have no job. On day thirty he got a job offer in IL- we lived in PA.  For the next year, he would be living in IL while I stayed in PA with our three children trying to sell our home in a dead market.  A year - we saw him for the holidays - it was a lonely year for us both but we survived and sold the home for the price we were asking - so while I was dealing with all this craziness - and trust me this is just the basic surface of all that went on during this time - I held strong in my belief that God uses every trial for good.  That's what happened in the end with these situations. 

We bought a new home here in IL and made our move on our own across the country.  Everything was good for a while - we were all back together and life was good.  My son met his first girlfriend and his confidence grew. My daughters seemed to be enjoying school and all was well.  Then...I started having some issues with my middle daughter...she liked a boy we didn't agree with and the struggle with that began - she was telling lies and doing things behind our backs.  But even that didn't get me down!  I kept praying - kept my faith and then...

I fell into a depression about a year ago. 

How did that happen?  I have always been a very positive - glass half full person. You won't believe what made me finally  topple.

I was attending Bible Study Fellowship all last year - I learned more about Genesis during that year than I ever imagined possible.  Towards the end of the year, the leader of my group approached me and asked me to consider leadership for the following year.  I told her I would consider it.  I was honored to be asked. 

Before you can become a leader for BSF you have to be interviewed by the person in charge of our area.  I agreed to meet with her.  The interview was pleasant  - nothing out of the ordinary really for most of it - that is until the end.  Then she told me there were some things that had to be in place before she could "allow" me to be a leader. 

1.  I could not be a divorcee. (check)

2.  My husband had to support my being in leadership. (check)

3.  I had to agree to not drink in public. (check - I do have a drink now and then - but not to get drunk - and usually at home - I do not believe drinking socially is a sin but I had no problem with this rule.  I told her the truth about that too - she said as long as I didn't drink publically they had no problem with it.)

4.  I had to agree that I would not try to counsel people - if they needed serious support - I was to pass them off to the leader so she could help them find the needed help.  (check)

5.  Finally, and I quote, "Donna, I believe you heart is in the right place and that you will be a fantastic leader however, your weight is a BIG problem - you cannot be a leader and be active in the sin of gluttony." 

WHAT??????  This woman had met me just 30 minutes ago - she had no idea that I had been on Weight Watchers for seven months - I had lost 40 pounds but had been at a stall for 2  months. I was not a binge eater, I was not pigging out - I was struggling but I was winning the battle.  I was shocked.  The damage was done - I have never been told I was too fat - especially too fat to do the Lord's work.  No where in the Bible does it say that I cannot share the Word of God because I am fat.  It does say - do not participate in gluttony - but I can sit here today and tell you I did not eat and eat and eat - just to eat.  I ate like a normal person - the problem was I was eating wrong for me and my metabolism and my hormones were playing against me.  However, I also know that most regular people assume you are lying when you say things like that - so I didn't bother.  I just sqeaked out that I understood and was working on it.  She told me she hoped by the next year she would see progress.  I must also mention that this woman was no taller than 5 feet and likely weighed about 80 pounds - in other words, weight was likely never an issue for her. 

I kept a smile on my face - until I got into my van - and then my spirit just fell apart.  I was crushed, devastated and had never felt more worthless in my entire life.  I went home a destroyed soul - I had to face my husband and tell him I was too fat to be a leader.  I never did finish the study because I would not be a part of a group that would treat ANY human being like that.  I fell into a deep depression - I gave up on my weight loss and I felt uglier than I had ever felt in my life.  If I was worthless to God - how could anyone on this earth really care about me?  This went on for quite a while - months.  At some point, I finally started to open up my Bible again.  I started to wake up to the fact that I was letting this hurtful woman destroy my life by her very small, very hurtful statement and her very wrong beliefs about me. 

I started to try and pull myself up - went to my husband and told him I was working on me and to please be patient with me as I worked through all that was going on in my head.  The devil was trying to destroy me - but I wasn't going to let him win this battle.  I was going to get better and I was going to get myself back to where I needed to be.  Oh yes, satan has pulled out all the stops on me this year - I am still in a HUGE battle with him - I am not sure why - except I know his quest is to destroy us and our faith in God, one by one -  and I will NOT let him have me! 

You see, I finally came to realize that every one of us are sinners - every single one of us.  Including this leader that told me I was too fat to be a leader - her sin may just not be visible to the naked eye.  This christian woman wants us to hide the fact that we may have a drink once in a while AND she has a problem with anyone that prays differently from her.  She was so busy pointing out the splinter in my eye that she didn't see the LOG that was firmly placed in hers.  She felt that because my supposed "sin" was visible I was not up to par to be a leader - at least until I lost the weight - then I would be worthy.  Then I would be proclaimed holy enough to be a leader for Bible Study Fellowship. 

No thanks - I will work through my church, through my personal contacts and maybe through this blog.  I must also mention that I was asked to keep the entire interview confidential before it began.  You agree to that so that no one will find out the truth about BSF and what they really believe and I guess so no one knows what the "rules" of leadership are. Guess what - I will not play into satan's hands that way - BSF has some very wrong, very backward beliefs and until they can back up with scripture all their rules - I will shout from the rooftops that while the study was good - their rules for leaders are precariously biased and just simply wrong.

Here I am - over a year later and with God's help, I have discovered that I was simply following the wrong diet for me. I am winning the battle of the bulge that I have - I am regaining confidence in myself and as if all I have already gone through the last few years wasn't enough on my plate, my faith has been tested even more in the last six months.  I think God gave me the above smaller battles to strengthen me for the even bigger battle I was about to face and I believe I am handling all my trials in life now with faith and grace.  I fall some days, I have days where all I do is cry - but I know during those times He is holding me and walking with me through it all.

I hope I can be a shining light for others that may have been hurt by senseless comments and for others going through trials far bigger than even this - I am doing that now and as I feel led, I may share what I am currently dealing with as I work through it.  I'm not yet ready to take that step as it's all still very fresh and I honestly don't know where the road is headed just yet.