From the Lioness' Den...

In the Middle of the Night

Last night, I did something that I have not done in over 5 years.

I cried because I was missing my mom. 

The cause of it happened earlier in the evening, at our Sertoma Club meeting.  The club president had given me the name of an advisor to talk to at a college other than the one I had been looking at previously. I went, I talked, I completely changed my mind about what I am going to do. I am still going to go to school. However, the 18-month Associates Degree is out the window and a 4-year Bachelor's Degree is the plan. I won't have to cut back work, the classes are in the evening. Some of my credits from my earlier college 20 yrs ago will transfer, where the other school said they would not. I will be able to take some of the classes online, and others at a community college, all of which will help keep costs down. Aaannnnyyyyywaaaayyy.....

The club president had kept in touch with the advisor and knew that I had changed my mind. When I got to the meeting, she came up and gave me a big ole hug and told me she was very happy and excited for me. Other members of the club did the same, and then we got down to business, had the meeting, etc. After the meeting, she came up & hugged me again and told me she was so proud of me. I didn't cry there, but it was enough to put a chink in the armor that I have worn for so long. Not the deaths of my 3 remaining grandparents, not the end of my marriage, divorce, bankruptcy and all the bullshit I have dealt with since have managed to do that. (especially the divorce - that was too big a cause for celebration!) But in the middle of the night, during an awesome heat-busting thunderstorm I woke up, and then there in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts, it happened. First a big fat tear, then another, and a couple more and then the dam broke. At first, I had no clue why the hell I was even crying. Then it dawned on me. Yet another Life Event that my mom wasn't there for. She wasn't there this time to be the one cheering in my corner. In fact nobody really was. Remember my Dad's response? My sisters are supportive, sure, but we all know that's not the same as your mom.  I was so unprepared for the impact that one small gesture, those few words would have. Boy did they have an impact. I am always the strong one. I get mad, scream, cuss, and may possibly even throw things, but I. never. cry. Until last night. And it was the smallest thing that did it. Small and at the same time, huge.

Sometimes...

3:33 PM, Jul. 21, 2006 .. Posted by AndeeDawn

a good cry is exactly what we need. Keeping all the emotions inside can wear you down in a hurry.

I think I am going to call my mom today & tell her how much I appreciate her. My folks are getting home from a 2 week trip to Europe today & I didn't realize until reading your post just how much I missed them while they were gone.

Thank you.

I am glad you did!

11:44 PM, Jul. 22, 2006 .. Posted by thevicchick

I am a cryer, infact my children think it is hillarious... I don't, but hey, I have learned to live with it. I cry at everything, even when my daughter got her nose pierced today! LOL. But I am glad you had a chance to have a chance to indulge in something so special. The reason behind it was enormous and nobody should be able to take that special emotion away from you. Congratulations girl. I think it is therapeutic! :)

Vic

mom

6:54 AM, Jul. 26, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

I lost my mom 8 years ago. As I get closer to the age other people are losing theirs - they turn to me for advise? The best advise I ever got was totally unexpected from a man where I worked, he simply said "I understand - it is the worst day of your life". It doesn't get easier, you just learn to live with it. Milestones are the hardest - you miss "the pat on the back" no-one else seems to care/understand that my children looked so cute, said something special, or the tears I experienced when they stepped on the school bus.

We are a club no-one wants to belong to.

Now I am crying. Still miss her every day.